Subbie Self Doubt-Vent!

Lol! I think that is true...
Though it can be considered
 aloof?
arrogant?
Personally I accept people for who they are...
I just find people aren't so flexible,
"Each to their own"
but that does include me too...

I do start to get that twinge of self doubt from time to time. Self doubt of me as a sub in the scene looking for my ideal Dom, that is. Not vanilla me. Vanilla me has it all together. In the garden planting 10 winter hardy fuchsia plug plants. My mind is clear when in my garden...Boring to some, I know, but I love it...

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we are all 'Individuals'. All different. So what if I don't fit in with the 'make lots of lovely, like minded friends' category. Its strange. Because in vanilla life, when you make friends, you don't go all 'Lovely, like minded special friends' They are just friends. Whenever I read in a spanking/BDSM site about someone making 'lots of lovely friends' I want to put my fingers down my throat {Not literally}...

Well. Its not so much love
in a D/s relationship
which is based more on
mutual adult 'pleasure' from spanking...
I don't want a total 'exclusive'
relationship,
I just want to be treated with respect,
accepted for who I am,
not treated like his buddy,
he can tell me about all his other women to,
{Yawns} I'm not interested,
conversation yeah,
but not in your soppy, besotted,
man ruled by his $$%% tone,
thank you very much...
I'm a woman...
Women in general,
are not interested
in how attractive, sexy, w/e
you find other women...
Go down the pub & tell your mates,
not me, FFS!
That is nothing to do with  jealousy
Next time a bloke starts telling me
all about some other woman,
I am going to tell him all about
some other man,...
Well if I can't get through to him
I might as well join him, lol...

Anyone would think making friends is new experience for them. Yeah. I have met some nice people in the scene. I would not consider them 'Lovely, like minded friends' Just, a few good 'genuine' on the same wavelength 'friends'. Its almost like a status, snobbery wossy. How many lovely friends you have made. Because. Basically in real, everyday, vanilla life, nooo one could careless about you...

Thats great. You found a bunch of people you can get on with. You know. 'Friends' Not lovely, like minded, special, souls, all kissing up, with the fake, hugging & kissing & loving each other...Then you have the 'clique' peeps, who are extra special lovely friends {Gags!}...I know. I know. If I want to fit in I have to make an effort. That means a lot of 'fake' hugging, kissing & general special, never met people before kissing up to fit in the lurvely community...

I always think. WTF! are you people on...FFS! What is it with the 'Loveliness'...Nope! Not jealous. Not bitter & twisted, cos I don't fit in with the lovelies. I'm not 'extrovert' 'lovely outgoing enough. I'm too aloof. Too reserved...Too 'keep myself to myself' & only interact with approachable people. Usually the people that don't need me to throw myself into loving embrace, kissing them...

I know. There is nothing wrong with hugging & kissing someone, as a greeting. Its just not all of us are into being 'lovely' hugging kissing OMG! I have met such lovely like minded peeps. Some of us are more reserved. As I was saying about my twinge of self doubt. Actually. I don't think the blokes are as into the 'lovely, hugging & kissing' as the women. I think it is a woman thing. As my Ex Dom said. Women seem to want attention from other women...He said a certain person was on cloud cuckoo, too, mention nooo names...

I usually choose to ignore,
rise above, put a smile on my face,
then get on doing what I enjoy,
but it is still there 'niggling'
so getting rid of that 'niggle'
by putting how I feel into words, helps...
I don't think it is good to suppress
the way you feel.
Eventually you have to deal with it,
then it is more of an avalanche
then a trickle...
I know, I'm talking bollox again, lol...

If we got on so well. Had a so called special connection. Why
did we 'call it a day'...Ummm! I know why & I think I done the right thing. The saying, two's company, three's a crowd. In this case three-four-five was giving me unnecessary grief...Maybe if I had turned into a hyper, hugging, kissing, lovely, like minded kiss up, looking for a lovely like minded community sub. I might have managed another 2 years with my Dom of 7+ years...Ohh! Well! Such is life...

I suppose I could join in, make more effort...but...That is not me, I am not looking for a community. A clique. I want to be friends with people who have a mind of their own. So I don't lavish you with the attention you so crave. I don't seek attention either. So I'm quiet. Don't throw myself at people. Don't talk in a LOUD! FAKE! SQUEEKY! voice so the WHOLE! hall hears me. Fine for you, but I'm quite happy sitting here quietly, thank you very much...That is me being me...

Okay! So I'm being way too serious. I should go with the flow...The thing is. I am going with the flow. I am just not riding the rapids, avoiding crashing into the sharp rocks...

I know WTF! am I rambling on about now. If you want to be loud & outgoing, because that is you & you can only interact with equally loud outgoing people giving you attention. Fair enough, but, I am a quiet person, being loud, drawing attention to myself is not me, so why do I have to change my personality to be accepted by you? Are you incapable of interacting with other people...Hmmm?...Just saying...

The thing is. I just want a "Mmmm!" spanking, with out all the added extras, as in other women rubbed in my face. I get it. You enjoy pleasuring women 'plural' Do you also enjoy telling each of us about each other?

Nuff said, for now...

I will shut up now...